Well it's been a little while...

... and she says "WOW! THAT'S THE BIGGEST PENIS I'VE EVER SEEN!!" So I say to her, "I KNOW!! THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT YOU TO THE PENIS MUSEUM, WHERE TICKETS ARE A THOUSAND DOLLARS!!"

The Office made me laugh last night. I'm glad I could share it with you.

In other news, I lasted "Hell Week". I am amazing at life. I get a week of nice before "Hell Week: the Sequel". Should keep this short today though. You know, ease myself in. And also because I have so many lab write-ups to do, with them I could build a cliff to jump off of.

Peace


ps, for a guy who doesn't like rap, i've really been enjoying eminem's "the recovery" lately. give it a shot. i despise little wayne, but "no love" is quite good.

now that i think about music... what was with all the "chinese democracy" jokes on himym this week?!? axl HAS matured as a songwriter!

Hookers and Tiger and Sex (Oh My!!)

I, for one, am sick of all this bullshit.

Dickhead in the nfl can walk into a club with a loaded handgun and blast his fucking leg off, and people are appalled by the sexy antics of tiger woods. Ridiculous. Mark Bell gets picked up speeding his drunk ass down a san jose freeway, and it barely makes the news. Dany Heatley kills a teammate and we all feel sorry for him. Gilbert Arenas is hiding unlicenced handguns in the lockerroom, and it is kept nearly silent.

But Tiger has a bunch of sex and everybody is in an uproar? I will agree that adultary is low-down, disgusting, and dirty. He is an asshole. But for the love of fuck, lay off the guy. He didn't cheat on YOU, he doesn't owe you shit.

So the man is a sex addict. Oh noes!!! What are the symptoms of that? He wants to have sex all the time? He has sex whenever it is possible? Oh sweet mother of fuck, what a monster!!!! Ooooh, the irony stings me. Yes, let's spit on the man because he has sex whenever he can. I mean, the nerve of that man.

Seriously, if we can forgive Todd Bertuzzi for committing henous acts against humanity, or we learn to accept Sean Avery as an edgy, sometimes leud little bastard, surely we can forgive Tiger for getting lucky. Shut up and let the man golf. Tadloids disgust me. Go back to your shanties.

Go get em Tiger.

Boutin out.

Wow am I glad I didn't make a scene on this one...

So I'm sitting in a calculus midterm thursday afternoon. It went surprisingly well, thanks for asking. For 200-level calculus, it wasn't that bad. If I suck on it, it's because of first-year calc I chose to forget. But I should be fine. My friends around me appear to have bit it slightly harder than I did, so if we all suck we'll get scaled up. Oh, the glory of the scale.

Anyway, this one was 5 questions. I had time to do all 5, then redo the once I'd fucked up. This is to give you a relative time scale.

I did the same thing I always do. I walk in, pick a desk in the third row, toss my 100-lb backpack on the ground and put my feet up on the desk in front of me so no one sits there. Now, I was already sort of on edge cause the prof walked in EXACTLY at 1pm and then started handing out exams (exam was 1 til 215). I'm halfway through the first question and I can hear faint music in the background.

A voice inside me screams "what asshole doesn't shut their phone off for an exam? This is really distracting. I owe this prick a kick in the testicles." Like seriously, I appreciate you putting your phone away, but put the fucking thing on silent first. My phone was on the desk but was on silent (I used it as a clock. I've never been told to get it off the desk)

The music kinda went away by the end of my second question. I still cursed the ground that asshole walks on. How dare he? Has he no respect for the other 50 people in the room?

By the midpoint of my third question, it comes back. I lift my head up and look for the rat bastard fishing in his bag to shut off his distraction. My plan is to wait for him outside the exam room and then shove my foot carefully up his rectum. (insert "rectum? I damn near killed him" joke here.

Then, just as I'm getting ready to stand up and yell "Hey you balls-eating sons of bitches, have you cocks ever heard of putting your phone on silent?" a thought crosses my mind....

I reach down and unplug the headphones on my mp3 player and the noise goes away.
Effffffffffffffffff. So now I have a problem. I am a man of my word. A consequence of that is I am having trouble getting my foot out of my own anus. Any help would be appreciated, but I warn you, it's pretty graphic. I am sporting a sign "parental advisory: explicit content" when I leave the house.

On a less gross note, I should point out that I don't believe in "Earth Hour." This isn't because I'm a black-hearted, soulless economist bastard. (keeping in mind I'm working on an Environmental Sciences degree) This is because of my knowledge of the power distribution system. I simply will not be shutting off all of my power devices for one hour this evening.

Some Marchy basketball footnotes

I just took a bunch of tylenol and have a horrendous amount of work to do. Once my pills kick in it's off to thermo. Let's see how much I can blog before then...

I had a game at noon today. The ref threatened to give me a technical foul. Three different times. For three different infractions. That is a personal record, even for me. I should point out that I'm not a dirty player. They just didn't like when (while getting hacked after a rebound) I used my elbows to clear some space for myself, show the ref that I got hacked, or say the F word. The F word one wasn't entirely me.

So... March Madness, huh? I picked Duke to win again. But I didn't bet on it, so they probably will this time.

Then I started thinking... I wish I went to Duke. I would paint myself blue for the games and ask who wanted to see my Blue Devil.

I thought of this as there were 5 teenagers squeezing into my bathroom to paint themselves up for hoopla. I, as their ringleader, was green and wearing a cape. We are so awesome it is unreal. I should note that acrylic paint hurts to remove from the nipple area. On a happy note, it is great for exfoliating. Once the apparent allergic reaction clears i will have the nicest chest/stomach in the world. Hurrah!

On yet another note, I had a student successfully test for his black belt a week and a half ago. I can announce it now that i have decided to give him the results. After two short months of instructing, I get to hand out a black belt. Very cool beans.

Well I feel better. Books-hit time.

It appears that I have survived Hell-week

Wow. Kind of a long week.

Apparently the secret to being very good at Physics is being able to function without sleep. Sleep is for the weak. This peaked last night, when I struggled to finish 3 assignments. Went back to the U at 1:30, finished my french lab around 3, finished my optics lab at 5, then earned the right to sleep. Went to sleep on the couch in the phys lounge.

Don't look at me like that. These days it's weird to get to school in the morning and NOT see someone asleep on that couch. I realize it makes me look and feel like a homeless person, but I don't care. And i didn't put my face on the cushions, so don't worry. After living in Lister i do not trust any couch surface to be sanitary.

And I was up before people got there anyway. Woke up at 630 to keep working on my electric circuits assignment. Finished it this afternoon. The sad thing is that I have to go in the morning to hand it in. Tried to avoid this, because Rob will no doubt ask me why I am painted up like a jackass. Then I will have to explain that high school basketball is at 11am.

Yes, I reek of awesome.

What I sound like when i HAVE slept an appropriate amount

I slept for 8 hours last night. I had totally forgot what that felt like. This is wonderful.

So I realized that when KISS wrote "Destroyer", it was dedicated to my french abilities. Actually being awake today, I ran a rail all over the textbook today. Beginner French? I shower in that shit.

This carried over into Waves. I was aware enough to correct the Prof for stuff he did on the board. Although, this was bad, I realized after. Now that he knows I pick things out and am not scared to speak up, it'll be easier for him to notice when I'm asleep. Damn damn damn.

So, I have decided to create my own season of The Bachelor. Starring Me. So far I have one contestant. Ashley Olsen. "Mary-Kate" (apparently I'm not supposed to refer to her as the 'cracky, gross one') doesn't belong on my show. Yes I pick favourites. Get over it. Oh, and as soon as Heidi steals Mike from Hilary, Hilary can be on my show. Awesome. Casting is half over. As in the toughest half is over (finding ME). Sweet. I'll let you know when it airs. I'm totally going from the book of flava flav and naming them all when they enter my show. He totally kicks the Bachelor's ass. His show is like The Bachelor for an old drunk rapper with a clock around his neck. Classy as fuck. What was i talking about? I swear, I should never do mad crack. As is, I'm borderline add. With crack, I'd be all "woooooooooooooooah maaaaaaaaannnnn... My hands.... They can touch aaaaaaaaaanythiiiiiiiiiiiing..... except them seeeeeeelves....." (Brings hands together, and mind is blown. all i can mutter is "wooooooah")

Basically, listen to "Shine On, You Crazy Diamond" by Pink Floyd. or "Echoes". Yeah. I would sound like Echoes at 3 in the morning. That high. and then i would just sit on my bed and watch the elves dance.

What was I talking about?

speaking of which, i apologize if you get any weird messages from me that don't make sense. sometimes the elves i keep locked in my basement try to steal my phone and summon help. but they have fat, elvish fingers so they have trouble. and then i find them and spray them with the squirt bottle until they climb back into the crawlspace.

i should never procreate. seriously.

February Footnotes

So I have had an interesting February.

Basketball got cancelled, but we're back at er this afternoon. I'm a little choked i'll miss part of the gold medal game, but shit happens. Apparently God felt I should not catch any Canada game in its entirety, and I accept that.

I almost died twice. Once in the midterm week before reading week, and once the midterm week after. Feel fanfuckingtastic now tho. Well, I will when i get my monday/tuesday shit done.

My valentine's day was pretty low key. I celebrated the same way I always do. I grabbed a push pin, went to Safeway, and poked a hole in all the romantic balloons. Then I went to the health clinic and did the same thing to the condoms. You get what you pay for, you cheap bastards. In my defence, I knew I was doomed when facebook suggested my valentine be someone who doesn't like valentine's day. So i made it my own. Devoted a day to bringing joy to the most important person in my life: me. I was so happy. I know me so well. (Afternoon Delight just started playing so I'ma wrap this up before it gets all mushy and for-my-eyes-only).

I went to the gym yesterday. Me. The gym. Me. I am equally shocked. I rode the bike for 40 minutes, and I dont hurt like a bitch this morning. This might be the start of something beautiful.

Well, since you're now picturing me all sexy and working out, my work here is done.

Oh My God!!!!! Epiphany!!!! In the Crash Test Dummies' "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm", the first verse is about Gohan!!!! (some of you are judging me, the others are equally excited.) I must leave before my inner nerd fully reveals itself. If anyone needs me, I will be working on eng phys.

I disappoint myself.

Last night (or this morning. at what time is this change????), I started watching Pulp Fiction. I fell asleep before the "English, Motherfucker" line.

That is like my favourite line in ANY movie.

In other news, several years later, I still remember damn near every line of Batman Forever. So I guess I can forgive me. I love me. I also still feel that the roller coaster into the twisted mind of Edward Nigma in the latter half of that movie is an excellent portrail of mental decay. Well done, sir.

In other random news, I just watched the National Anthems be played in Montreal. One guy in a Flyers' jersey (surrounded by all red jerseys) sang every word of the US national anthem to those around him. This made me laugh.

But with that I'm off to crack a Guiness, rock some Pink Floyd, and watch 2 games and a dunk contest. Tomorrow is Single's Awareness Day. Check my twitter for a witty valentine's-based tweet, that also celebrates my milestone of 300 tweets. Tonight we dine in hell and all that crap. **Spoiler Alert**--- It's probably not appropriate.

It's that time of year again...

by which I mean midterm season. Yuck.

I had a span of 3 midterms in 26 hours, and I haven't slept since it ended yet, so please excuse any grammatical errors. I'm waiting up to see if I am going out tonight. Then it's back to school for 730 am tomorrow cause some dickheads came into the lab and interrupted my french oral assignment this evening.

Yes, I have to be at school at 730 in the morning for oral. Go ahead, get it out of your system. Laugh, clown, laugh.

A friend just commented on msn with "aww, that's so cute. you have oral work." :D

So, these 3 midterms...

Today was electromagnetism. Then calculus. Both are mandatory for phys/engphys. I'm the only one who's soul didn't get molested by e/m. And then calc happened.

After exams, I was standing at the busstop in my favourite bunnyhug (the blue one with the skulls. fyi today was the first time anyone insinuated me looking gangsta *makes gangsta face*), holding my jacket in my hand. I didn't feel cold. And then i realized....

I don't feel anything...

2 months of solid P/EP has removed all feeling. My soul is smeared evenly across the dreary basement floors of the phys building, lost in a swirling sea of 2nd, 3rd, and 4th years. My department is full of zombies. Zombies who don't eat sleep, who wander aimlessly from assignment to assignment, moaning "braaaaaain.... braaaaaain..."

I am thankful for reading week. I get to relax for 2 days at home before I come back and begin studying for the two midterms immediately after the break.

On a closing note, I have noticed that many student turn to prayer during midterm season. Lots pray to God (in their form of choice) for help/guidance, a few pray to superman, or chuck norris, for help in their battle with exams. Me? I have stopped hoping for H1N1. Now I pray to Patrick Swayze, in hopes that he will barge through the doors of my exam room, hoist me over his head and spin me (a la dirty dancing).

That, my friends, is the dream.

Your crime is time (and it's 18 and life to go)

That title has nothing to do with this message. Also, this message has nothing to do with the day's previous message, which is why they are separated. Otherwise I wouldnt be blogging twice in one day.

I was cruising "texts from last night" just now and i found...


"You kept telling me to stay away from chevys cause they were the bad transformers and out to get me"


And it reminded me.... I watched "Paranormal Activity" the other day, and it was the same thing. I was upstairs in the bathroom, and I freaked out when I heard footsteps on the stairs. Ironically, it was my friend who walked out of the downstairs bathroom, saw that all the basement lights were off and no one was there, and ran up the stairs cause SHE freaked out. I guess that explains why they were heavier footsteps than usual.

This movie shit is getting too real. For example, I keep my Delorean under 88mph cause I'm scared of what will happen.

p

I owe Axl Rose an apology (my gnr recap)

I'm sorry Axl. Up until last night, I thought you had been a good frontrunner who benefitted from having an incredible band for years. Yet, without Slash, Izzy, Duff, or Buckethead you still walked in and blew the roof off CUC. (As opposed to Danko Jones, who just blew CUC)

Wow.

Until last night, I had never been to a concert where I knew EVERY SONG the band played. (I even knew the 4 covers they did) All 28 of them. And I could sing like 25 or 26 of them. I for sure had all 28 choruses down... Choruses?...Chori?...Choreese? I knew all the refrains.

November Rain was the most haunting, yet beautiful thing I have ever seen. Hands down the best single-song live performance ever.

Speaking of which, Sebastian Bach is amazing. I left that show a Skid Row fan. I had never heard "18 and life" before, but it's been in my head since showtime. Definitely the second best single performance I've witnessed. (In case anyone cares, my top 5 is rounded out by Shiny Toy Guns' "Coming Home", Offspring's "Half-Truism", and Buckcherry's "Everything")

Incidentally, it was funny seeing Danko Jones ask permission for using the F word, then seeing Sebastian and Axl walk around an go "Fuck this, Fuck that, Fuck everything". (Yes, I'm on first-name basis with those guys. It's a thing we have. I call them by first name, and they call me "Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house? I'm calling the cops"

On a slightly less humorous note, I felt bad for Danko Jones. No, not because he hit the stage at 730 when the tickets said show time was 8 so he played for 1/3 of a stadium. No, not because he possesses the same lyrical prowess as I. It's because he looked so damn awkward and uncomfortable up there. I just wanted to run on stage, give him and hug and tell him everything would be alright. I didn't, because it would only make him more uncomfortable. That, and I didn't feel like being butthumped by security guards.

Anyway, I should wrap this up. I have to go try to get lucky to "I Remember You". Because Sebastian told me to. Come to think of it, would Barry White not be like the best wingman in the world? Think of how much action is scored because of him? But that's another tangent for another day...


Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
The wind would whisper and I'd think of you
And all the tears you cried, that called my name
And when you needed me I came through

There, that should be all the lines I need. I think I know the chorus too. Well, wish me luck!

p

nananana nanananana.. Spectrum!

So what's in the campus news today? It seems Spectrum is going on at the U of S Engineering Building.

For everyone besides J-roc, I should explain that Spectrum is basically a science fair for university students, engineers to be exact. I felt it my civic duty to volunteer since 2 of my engineering-based classes were cancelled this week (and I missed the third due to illness).

So I hauled chairs and table for 2 hours. Yuck. To make matters worse, Roman walked into the volunteer room and saw me, Jer, 3 guys my size and a bunch of chicks moving chairs around. He says "Jer, I need you to drive vans for me".

My name is Roman. I am an engineering physicist. But I still walk into a room full of labour slaves and remove the biggest one to park vans.

Sigh.

But it was worth it to see the game room. (Dear sister, you may as well stop reading) They have a room dedicated to the history of video games. It was beautiful. There was stuff I had never heard of. I swear I had a mild orgasm when I walked in the room. Especially when the girl in there discussed said topic and the downfall of each system. Hot.

But then as i realized that such fond memories of my childhood are now considered history, a tear came to my eye. I swear it is the most I have ever cried during sex. Well, out of my eyes.

Sigh. I'm 21 and I'm old. I have no idea how people who are nearly 22 feel.

I am disappointed in you.

Dear Canada,

Why?

Why would you do that? Are you purposely trying to embarrass me for losing to that British dude all those years ago? Are you really as butt-hurt as Theo Fleury?

I kid, but seriously... This is the grand stage. This is the Woodstock of junior hockey. Just as every young pothead with a guitar dreams of being Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page, Keith Richards, Kurt Cobain, Slash, ...... sorry, i drifted onto Rolling Stone's 100 greatest guitarists list. what were we talking about?

Oh yeah... This is the big deal. Just as every homeless guy sleepin under the bridge wishes to grow up to be Axl Rose, just as every greasy, sweaty Italian yearns to be Roberto Luongo, every young canadian hockey player dreams of the world juniors.

Well not anymore, Canada. You have fucked up big time. I cannot even begin to explain how disappointed I was. Look at the skill we have across this country, and THIS is the best you can do?

"Eh-O-Canada-Go?" Go fuck yourself. We have some of the most brilliant lyrical minds in the world, and we think up crap like this? It's not even original. Here's an idea... If you're gonna steal a song to suit yourself by replacing "Let's" with "Canada", let's make it a canadian song. And the last time I checked, THE CLASH WERE BRITISH. That's London, England, not London, Ontario, stupid. What message are we sending? "We are so great that we need to steal our cheer from a country that ranks 25th in the sport we're cheering for" ?? (yes, i checked. btw, Russia is ranked number one. *gives the iihf the finger*)

Get your shit together by February. You disgust me.

ps, does Luongo put baby oil in his hair before every game, or is he just really, really greasy?

pss, *gives pepsi the finger*