My two cents (Dec 21st edition)

So I feel like the world's biggest alcoholic.

I dropped Jer off at his exam, drove to the grocery store to pick up the rest of Christmas dinner (i'll get to that later), and decided to stop at the LB and pick up the last of my christmas shopping (a gag gift. just in case mom is reading this, i'm buying bradley gin to regift). It wasn't open yet.

There is no worse feeling than knowing you're probably the only person in the world who wants to purchase alcohol at 9am on a monday. Le sigh. I died inside just a little bit, which is good cause I'm killing time til 10. What was left of my soul after friday's thrashing at the hands of calculus is very saddened. (According to twitter, calc ate my soul, regurgitated it, then had sex with the remains. Nic, you probably didn't want to read that.)

It's now 9:17 and I'm over it. Onto bigger fish (slash turkey. they're both animals)

I have taken it upon myself to have Christmas dinner in the city. That's right, live and uncensored, this evening Phil partakes on a quest to taste-bud nirvana. (It's only uncensored because the censors can't keep up to my cooking. This meal is rated pg-13 because the previews are full of coarse language and tasteful nudity)

This is the first Christmas in the new house, and I (by influence of my loving brother) would like to start a tradition. He has monday + tuesday exams, so I'm getting the call.

It's your classic man vs. nature plot line. Man buys turkey from the store and conquers it. I'd like to say I did ALL the work (ie, bred two turkeys, raised the offspring, killed it, "handled it", THEN cooked it) but i simply took over halfway and am getting all the glory (or shame). High risk/high reward ;)

You could also see it as a man vs. beast storyline, with the role of "man" being played by a utility turkey.

It's also the wonderful "overcoming obstacles" story everybody loves, as I overcome mild domestic retardation and apparent alcohol dependency (given the 9am liquor store trip) to make a delicious turkey dinner.

But... all of these metaphors assume I'm the hero.

What if I'm not the hero? What if I'm the villain?


Bahaha. Twilight.

Happy Holidays.

Footnotes for a mid-December birthday

When I woke up this morning, the white board in my house already said "Philip is 21 today. Everyone (female was implied here, i believe) give him a pat on the ass for his birthday." Clearly, more people need to come to my house.

Remember how exciting birthdays are when you're little? All your friends get to come over and you get to pick what you have for supper? We're well into our twenties now: our friends come over whenever they want, and we no longer live at home so we eat what we want every day. Freedom!

Now comes the real joy of being born in December: Finals. I get to spend the day learning acids and bases. Thank you satan for your thoughful gift.

(Spoiler alert!!! If you don't want to read a mildly detailed explanation of me freezing off certain unmentionable parts of my anatomy, you should probably just skip over this next paragraph. Mom, this probably means you)

In all honesty though, even if I wasn't currently using the steel pants of studying to protect myself from a hot chem injection on Monday morning, I still wouldn't be venturing out. There is a high of minus thirty (that is raw temperature, not including windchill). I am still in my pajamas and very warm. I will choose the lame option of staying at home, because I am rather attatched to my testicles and don't want to risk going outside, freezing them off, having them shatter when they hit the ground and be forced to spend my sunday morning cleaning shattered ball off of my sidewalk. No thank you.

Phil's birthday plan: I will study chem for a little while. I will stop before I decide I hate my life, curl up (probably still in my pajamas) with a warm blanket and a beer and watch an NHL double-header. This is safe, because I don't like any of the 4 teams playing tonight (on a related note, fuck vancouver. i hope you lose but the sedins get points anyway), so I can't be disappointed. Two of them are going to lose.

I shall celebrate my birthday in a manner that society would approve of one day when I'm not scared about becoming a lady as soon as i exit my house. Or worried about the dirty things my exam will do to me if I'm not prepared. Besides, my roommate hits the magical 19 in a few days.

Cheers.

I swear the weirdest shit can only happen to me...

So I have an exam tomorrow night. I was actually ahead of the game, left the house yesterday to catch the 1150 bus to campus for a day-long study session with a friend from class.

And then i got shot with a pellet gun.

I heard a "woooosh" (damn my vulcan hearing), and then my hand started to hurt like a bitch. A few minutes later, I heard another woooosh. My memory is hazy, but I am pretty sure I saw the pellet and dodged it Matrix-style. Then I stood behind the neighbour's car (beside the bus stop) for the next minute til the bus pulled up.

So i'm sitting on the bus thinking "this is weird". I pull my glove off to text my friend and let her know I'm on my way, only to find out that my hand is bleeding.

Well, anybody who has seen me play sports knows that I am very good at controlling my anger.

So I found my friend, we hopped the bus to my house, and I called the Po-po's. "The cops are so nice to you when you tell them you got shot."1 She asked if I needed medical attention (I laughed), then they sent a dude to my house. He figures the shot came from the trailer park (due to the angle of the shot, and also due to negative stereotypes). Nothing came out of it, but it's in the system.

All in all, a weird day. But it has given me an excellent bar line. "hey baby, i got shot. But i'm standing here to talk about it".

I have also found that when you ask someone "how was your day", and they didn't have a particularly good day, saying "I got shot" pretty well trumps anything.

It has been suggested that I'm like a cat, with the whole 9-lives thing. This has me worried. I know this counts as one, the tractor "blowing up" was probably another one, but I don't know how many others I've pissed away... My demise is definitely gonna come from misjudging how many lives I have left.

Well, I think that wraps up the bizarre series of events that is my life.

ps, nobody is allowed to miss my exam tomorrow for any reason. Fuck ILI, I got shot and I'm still gonna be there Goddammit.

1. I twoted this yesterday. It got interesting reactions.