Well it's been a little while...

... and she says "WOW! THAT'S THE BIGGEST PENIS I'VE EVER SEEN!!" So I say to her, "I KNOW!! THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT YOU TO THE PENIS MUSEUM, WHERE TICKETS ARE A THOUSAND DOLLARS!!"

The Office made me laugh last night. I'm glad I could share it with you.

In other news, I lasted "Hell Week". I am amazing at life. I get a week of nice before "Hell Week: the Sequel". Should keep this short today though. You know, ease myself in. And also because I have so many lab write-ups to do, with them I could build a cliff to jump off of.

Peace


ps, for a guy who doesn't like rap, i've really been enjoying eminem's "the recovery" lately. give it a shot. i despise little wayne, but "no love" is quite good.

now that i think about music... what was with all the "chinese democracy" jokes on himym this week?!? axl HAS matured as a songwriter!

Hookers and Tiger and Sex (Oh My!!)

I, for one, am sick of all this bullshit.

Dickhead in the nfl can walk into a club with a loaded handgun and blast his fucking leg off, and people are appalled by the sexy antics of tiger woods. Ridiculous. Mark Bell gets picked up speeding his drunk ass down a san jose freeway, and it barely makes the news. Dany Heatley kills a teammate and we all feel sorry for him. Gilbert Arenas is hiding unlicenced handguns in the lockerroom, and it is kept nearly silent.

But Tiger has a bunch of sex and everybody is in an uproar? I will agree that adultary is low-down, disgusting, and dirty. He is an asshole. But for the love of fuck, lay off the guy. He didn't cheat on YOU, he doesn't owe you shit.

So the man is a sex addict. Oh noes!!! What are the symptoms of that? He wants to have sex all the time? He has sex whenever it is possible? Oh sweet mother of fuck, what a monster!!!! Ooooh, the irony stings me. Yes, let's spit on the man because he has sex whenever he can. I mean, the nerve of that man.

Seriously, if we can forgive Todd Bertuzzi for committing henous acts against humanity, or we learn to accept Sean Avery as an edgy, sometimes leud little bastard, surely we can forgive Tiger for getting lucky. Shut up and let the man golf. Tadloids disgust me. Go back to your shanties.

Go get em Tiger.

Boutin out.

Wow am I glad I didn't make a scene on this one...

So I'm sitting in a calculus midterm thursday afternoon. It went surprisingly well, thanks for asking. For 200-level calculus, it wasn't that bad. If I suck on it, it's because of first-year calc I chose to forget. But I should be fine. My friends around me appear to have bit it slightly harder than I did, so if we all suck we'll get scaled up. Oh, the glory of the scale.

Anyway, this one was 5 questions. I had time to do all 5, then redo the once I'd fucked up. This is to give you a relative time scale.

I did the same thing I always do. I walk in, pick a desk in the third row, toss my 100-lb backpack on the ground and put my feet up on the desk in front of me so no one sits there. Now, I was already sort of on edge cause the prof walked in EXACTLY at 1pm and then started handing out exams (exam was 1 til 215). I'm halfway through the first question and I can hear faint music in the background.

A voice inside me screams "what asshole doesn't shut their phone off for an exam? This is really distracting. I owe this prick a kick in the testicles." Like seriously, I appreciate you putting your phone away, but put the fucking thing on silent first. My phone was on the desk but was on silent (I used it as a clock. I've never been told to get it off the desk)

The music kinda went away by the end of my second question. I still cursed the ground that asshole walks on. How dare he? Has he no respect for the other 50 people in the room?

By the midpoint of my third question, it comes back. I lift my head up and look for the rat bastard fishing in his bag to shut off his distraction. My plan is to wait for him outside the exam room and then shove my foot carefully up his rectum. (insert "rectum? I damn near killed him" joke here.

Then, just as I'm getting ready to stand up and yell "Hey you balls-eating sons of bitches, have you cocks ever heard of putting your phone on silent?" a thought crosses my mind....

I reach down and unplug the headphones on my mp3 player and the noise goes away.
Effffffffffffffffff. So now I have a problem. I am a man of my word. A consequence of that is I am having trouble getting my foot out of my own anus. Any help would be appreciated, but I warn you, it's pretty graphic. I am sporting a sign "parental advisory: explicit content" when I leave the house.

On a less gross note, I should point out that I don't believe in "Earth Hour." This isn't because I'm a black-hearted, soulless economist bastard. (keeping in mind I'm working on an Environmental Sciences degree) This is because of my knowledge of the power distribution system. I simply will not be shutting off all of my power devices for one hour this evening.

Some Marchy basketball footnotes

I just took a bunch of tylenol and have a horrendous amount of work to do. Once my pills kick in it's off to thermo. Let's see how much I can blog before then...

I had a game at noon today. The ref threatened to give me a technical foul. Three different times. For three different infractions. That is a personal record, even for me. I should point out that I'm not a dirty player. They just didn't like when (while getting hacked after a rebound) I used my elbows to clear some space for myself, show the ref that I got hacked, or say the F word. The F word one wasn't entirely me.

So... March Madness, huh? I picked Duke to win again. But I didn't bet on it, so they probably will this time.

Then I started thinking... I wish I went to Duke. I would paint myself blue for the games and ask who wanted to see my Blue Devil.

I thought of this as there were 5 teenagers squeezing into my bathroom to paint themselves up for hoopla. I, as their ringleader, was green and wearing a cape. We are so awesome it is unreal. I should note that acrylic paint hurts to remove from the nipple area. On a happy note, it is great for exfoliating. Once the apparent allergic reaction clears i will have the nicest chest/stomach in the world. Hurrah!

On yet another note, I had a student successfully test for his black belt a week and a half ago. I can announce it now that i have decided to give him the results. After two short months of instructing, I get to hand out a black belt. Very cool beans.

Well I feel better. Books-hit time.

It appears that I have survived Hell-week

Wow. Kind of a long week.

Apparently the secret to being very good at Physics is being able to function without sleep. Sleep is for the weak. This peaked last night, when I struggled to finish 3 assignments. Went back to the U at 1:30, finished my french lab around 3, finished my optics lab at 5, then earned the right to sleep. Went to sleep on the couch in the phys lounge.

Don't look at me like that. These days it's weird to get to school in the morning and NOT see someone asleep on that couch. I realize it makes me look and feel like a homeless person, but I don't care. And i didn't put my face on the cushions, so don't worry. After living in Lister i do not trust any couch surface to be sanitary.

And I was up before people got there anyway. Woke up at 630 to keep working on my electric circuits assignment. Finished it this afternoon. The sad thing is that I have to go in the morning to hand it in. Tried to avoid this, because Rob will no doubt ask me why I am painted up like a jackass. Then I will have to explain that high school basketball is at 11am.

Yes, I reek of awesome.

What I sound like when i HAVE slept an appropriate amount

I slept for 8 hours last night. I had totally forgot what that felt like. This is wonderful.

So I realized that when KISS wrote "Destroyer", it was dedicated to my french abilities. Actually being awake today, I ran a rail all over the textbook today. Beginner French? I shower in that shit.

This carried over into Waves. I was aware enough to correct the Prof for stuff he did on the board. Although, this was bad, I realized after. Now that he knows I pick things out and am not scared to speak up, it'll be easier for him to notice when I'm asleep. Damn damn damn.

So, I have decided to create my own season of The Bachelor. Starring Me. So far I have one contestant. Ashley Olsen. "Mary-Kate" (apparently I'm not supposed to refer to her as the 'cracky, gross one') doesn't belong on my show. Yes I pick favourites. Get over it. Oh, and as soon as Heidi steals Mike from Hilary, Hilary can be on my show. Awesome. Casting is half over. As in the toughest half is over (finding ME). Sweet. I'll let you know when it airs. I'm totally going from the book of flava flav and naming them all when they enter my show. He totally kicks the Bachelor's ass. His show is like The Bachelor for an old drunk rapper with a clock around his neck. Classy as fuck. What was i talking about? I swear, I should never do mad crack. As is, I'm borderline add. With crack, I'd be all "woooooooooooooooah maaaaaaaaannnnn... My hands.... They can touch aaaaaaaaaanythiiiiiiiiiiiing..... except them seeeeeeelves....." (Brings hands together, and mind is blown. all i can mutter is "wooooooah")

Basically, listen to "Shine On, You Crazy Diamond" by Pink Floyd. or "Echoes". Yeah. I would sound like Echoes at 3 in the morning. That high. and then i would just sit on my bed and watch the elves dance.

What was I talking about?

speaking of which, i apologize if you get any weird messages from me that don't make sense. sometimes the elves i keep locked in my basement try to steal my phone and summon help. but they have fat, elvish fingers so they have trouble. and then i find them and spray them with the squirt bottle until they climb back into the crawlspace.

i should never procreate. seriously.

February Footnotes

So I have had an interesting February.

Basketball got cancelled, but we're back at er this afternoon. I'm a little choked i'll miss part of the gold medal game, but shit happens. Apparently God felt I should not catch any Canada game in its entirety, and I accept that.

I almost died twice. Once in the midterm week before reading week, and once the midterm week after. Feel fanfuckingtastic now tho. Well, I will when i get my monday/tuesday shit done.

My valentine's day was pretty low key. I celebrated the same way I always do. I grabbed a push pin, went to Safeway, and poked a hole in all the romantic balloons. Then I went to the health clinic and did the same thing to the condoms. You get what you pay for, you cheap bastards. In my defence, I knew I was doomed when facebook suggested my valentine be someone who doesn't like valentine's day. So i made it my own. Devoted a day to bringing joy to the most important person in my life: me. I was so happy. I know me so well. (Afternoon Delight just started playing so I'ma wrap this up before it gets all mushy and for-my-eyes-only).

I went to the gym yesterday. Me. The gym. Me. I am equally shocked. I rode the bike for 40 minutes, and I dont hurt like a bitch this morning. This might be the start of something beautiful.

Well, since you're now picturing me all sexy and working out, my work here is done.

Oh My God!!!!! Epiphany!!!! In the Crash Test Dummies' "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm", the first verse is about Gohan!!!! (some of you are judging me, the others are equally excited.) I must leave before my inner nerd fully reveals itself. If anyone needs me, I will be working on eng phys.